Aversion to ending things

I have this thing with getting left behind, ever since I was a kid I felt that if I did something that did not please someone they will leave me.

As I grew up, when I feel that I am messing things up, I withdraw from the scene, which actually made things a lot worse.

Freak facts about me:

I have a ton of notebooks, most of them have doodles on the first few pages, but I have never, not even once finished one whole notebook! (or pad paper, or a pack of specialty paper). I am afraid to run out of things, I want some things not to end.

I have a habit of talking to myself, since I have lived by myself for years, I talk to myself yes I do.

 

It has been really easy for me to pull back from people since I have my own place where I can feel sorry for myself. I waste my time away in bed, I am afraid to get up and go out because in my mind things will not change, I will not be a better or a different person if I got out of bed. But things need to change. I need to change.

I can’t say I will not be afraid of committing to things again (I am not afraid to commit with my boyfriend but that is a different story) or that I will stop talking to myself, or that I will stop shrinking away from people, but I want to try.

I want to be able to finish what I started, to feel secure, to help people, I want to have a purpose.

I want to not be afraid.

 

Till later,
YANN

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